A Little About Me and How I Work

I want to tell you about how and why I do what I do, but it's one of those things that hides from words. I know that whatever I put down here won't measure up. It's my hope that you will be able to bring it to life in a way that my words cannot. Maybe if we work together we can get close to it. Most people find me gentle, and caring and open, probably about what you would, and perhaps should, expect from a therapist. I can also be sarcastic, and even irreverent at times. I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but who is? I do bring all of me into the room when I work, and most people seem to like that. The feedback I get around that is that this is what makes my style of therapy work. This post might give you a little more of a sense of how I can show up for you.

I don't have a "professional persona" that I put on when a client walks into the room. To be clear, I am professional. I have a very high level of personal and professional integrity that protects both me and my clients. I also tend towards colorful language, and I may kick my shoes off and curl up in my chair while we are working. I don't own a tie.

I cannot expect you to be real with me if I am pretending to be someone I am not. So, you get all of me. 

Keeping in mind that every session is different, and every client is coming from a slightly different place, most folks come in because there are things they want to look at that they don't feel comfortable sharing with others in their life. Other times they just need some guidance or some different tools to work with what's showing up. I work with lots of both, but this post focuses more on the former...

It's an honor for me to hear people's stories, to learn about where they've been, how they got to this place, what's working for them, and what's not. What wakes them up at night, and what keeps them up. (not always the same thing). The stories don't tumble out in our first session, it takes time, they need to trust the space that we create together. It's always on your time frame, and it usually doesn't take long.

I get to sit and hear about what's really going on. We don't do small talk, we don't chat about the weather. I say "I get to", not because it's easy, but because it's an honor. Because it humbles me every time. The courage my clients show when they risk enough to speak their truth is a gift. The gift is mostly to themselves, because of the freedom they find hidden in it, but it's also a gift to me, because these are their jewels, their treasure, that they are sharing with me.

Good therapy isn't just about listening to secrets, although I do believe there is a great value in just that simple, yet impossibly brave act of giving voice to the unspeakable. Good therapy is about being able to speak directly to whomever is showing up to tell that story. When we tell those hard secrets, we speak from that moment in time. There's an opportunity in those moments to directly address that person at the moment of the event. Maybe it was last week, maybe it was 40 years ago, it's all equally valuable.

Sometimes they just need to hear that I believe them, that it wasn't their fault. Sometimes they need to see that I can hear about something they did that was hurtful or harmful to another person, or to themselves, and that I'm still here with them. I'm not disgusted, I'm not angry, I'm not scared. I'm just here and holding that and I still see all of them, the good, the bad, and everything in between.

It's not the sharing that we fear, it's the reaction.

It's the fear of rejection, fear that we will see them the way they too often see themselves, fear that the worst of what they think of themselves is true.

Sometimes, in the space between the roaring in their ears when they share something scary, and the silence of the space between us that can hold it, something shifts for them. Just a little wedge of light that whispers to them that

Maybe you are not just this thing that happened.

It does not need to define you.

It is a part of a whole.

It's OK to let it be there, you are not alone with it. 

This is a slice of what might unfold in my office, other days it's a recap of the week and an exploration of what worked (AKA, that was a good move) and what didn't (AKA that was a bad move). I tend to move back and forth from diving deep and holding space for the hard stuff, to "how was your week?". Then we get to see if we can connect the dots.

I've written other posts about therapy and group work, please check them out if you're interested and get in touch if you would like to schedule a session.

Balance

(Post #26 in the 31 in 31 Blog Challenge) My kids go back to school today. Or, they were supposed to. My youngest is home sick, and so is my wife. This post was going to be about how this is the first day in months that I will have to myself. That I really need a good amount of alone time. That I have sorely missed it and this date on the calendar has pulled me through some rough days lately. This was going to be my day to get my life back. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and my wife. I love to spend time with them. But, I have lots of other parts of my life that get pushed back when the family is in residence. We have a very small house, and the only real door is on the bathroom. So when I say "get my life back", I mean my balanced life. Where I am dad and husband, but I'm also just me with my work, and my volunteer commitments, and school and play. They call it "balance" because it's just that, it has to be. If not, I fall over.

We all need time to expand into who we are apart from our labels and commitments. It's not always easy, and sometimes we come into places in our lives where it just isn't possible on a regular basis. When this happens it should be a warning that a shift needs to occur. If you see the end of this, if the light of a little time for yourself is on the horizon, then breathe and wait for it. It will come. If you don't see that light, if it's not a temporary situation, then look for small ways to make room. There is almost always enough wiggle somewhere if you dig for it. When we take the time we need for ourselves, we are able to care for all the other people and duties in our life in a much more present manner. Don't believe the voices in your head that tell you it's selfish or unnecessary. It's neither.

You are worth it. It is essential. And your family and friends will thank you for it.

Comfort Zone

(This post is #23 in the 31 in 31 challenge, you can find more information about it here )

Comfort zones. We all have them, and it's a damn good thing too. It's where we rest, it's where we reflect, it's where we rejuvenate. It's the space where we know we are in control and that gives us what we need to let down. We have many of them, for different reasons, but the big this is your life version is the one to watch.

Let's say one of your places to unwind is on the couch (wearing that bathrobe that no one who has not seen you naked will ever see on you that you love) watching old movies. This is your place you can go when you need to unplug. Chances are you don't do this all day long every day, even though it's tempting. You have bills to pay, maybe kids or parents or pets or friends to care for, probably a job to do. If you spent months on end on that couch, sooner or later life comes knocking, not amused that you have been absent. So it's easier to keep the time spent here to what we need and no more.

Harder to see, but more crucial, is the bigger comfort zone. The one that you have become so comfy in that you don't recognize it for what it is. Your cage. The voice that tells you "you can't do that" is such an old friend that it's almost impossible to consider challenging it. The problem is, you actually can live your life in this place. You can arrange everything to fit in there with you. Your job, your hobbies, where you live, what you eat. They can all be part of the big cage that keeps you safe. But once in a while, it's really important to open the door. Stick your nose out, see what happens. Chances are if you take a walk around the outside of your cage you will get a better perspective on what's inside there, and if it's really working for you. A lot of it might be, but isn't it worth knowing for sure? And while you're out there looking around, you might find you feel different. A little more alive, a little more like what you remembered wanting to be like before you built that cage. Amazing things are happening out there. Things that you never thought you could have a part in. The good news is that you can always go back in, but you may find eventually that you no longer want to.